M. J.

Alright. I am finally able to discuss this. With all the drama at school and in my personal life, hearing "the news" was something I was unable to process. Now I am finally starting to deal with it. Oh, Michael. I was leaving class when I found out. One of my classmates got a text about it and I said. NO...NO...I don't believe it. I won't believe it until I look it up myself. So, I looked it up on my phone and alas, it was true. I spent the time up until the memorial in total shock. I still am, in a way. If I was able to give "remarks" at his funeral, my speech would include this:
I am extremely saddened and ruptured by this. It's as if he was a family member of mine. No, seriously. I wasn't sure that this was how I was going to feel. Just as other 80's kids, Michael was my "childhood." His music defined my generation. I also was very connected to "early Michael," you know, the Michael that existed before I was born. I used to watch "The Jacksons, an American Dream" over and over, and over again. I borrowed, purchased, old CD's, knew about songs that some people my age may have been "sleep" on. Like this one:


I remember watching the Thriller Video over and over again, each time viewing it in awe as if it were the first time I ever saw it. Oh...when the videos from "Dangerous" premiered on FOX...trying to replicate the dance from "Remember the Time." Loving his comeback in "Rock my World."

When all the drama was going on with him, I saw only a beautiful soul, that had been hurt horribly. The pain we experience internally reflects on the external. And now, everything makes sense. That's why he changed himself so. No...I'm not condoning it by any means, but I get it.

Did you know that he's in the Guiness Book of World Records? He set so many World Records...including giving the most money to charity. He gave so much. If a hospital needed beds, he would build a hospital with beds. If a school needed books he would build a school. He had a HUGE heart...something that people these days may not have.

Then we find out more information this week...he had Lupus, a disease I am very familiar with given my mother and cousin both have it. All those times he was in a wheel chair and people thought he was doing it for publicity, he was actually in deep, hard, pain! The attacks that come from Lupus result in unimaginable, unbearable pain. Then...Lupus is often accompanied by skin diseases...like vitalaigo... which resulted in his hand discoloring...which resulted in it starting in his hand...which resulted in him wearing the glove. Again, not condoning or arguing Mike's psychosocial issues, but when his skin became spotted, he felt he needed to do something to it. It all comes together.
Apart from what he did to himself, it pains me what the media did to him. Like Rev. Al Sharpton said at the memorial to M.J.'s children: "Wasn't nothing strange about yo' daddy. It was strange what yo' daddy had to go through." Rev. Al got major respect from me that day.

On another note, I have had some great bonding moments with my parents. As we watched the memorial on DVR (cuz you know I was in school at the time it aired), I was filled with so much emotion. I told them "ya'll don't understand. Michael was my childhood. They both looked at me with big eyes and said: "uh...MICHAEL IS OUR CHILDHOOD TOO!" Oh yeah, I thought(Oh Rhonda :, DUH.) Then for the last few nights (instead of getting my work done), we've been you tubing old Michael videos and live performances. Of all the songs...these are two (of many) that are near and dear to my heart. Rest in Peace Michael.

Don't miss his pop-locking at the end!


And...You Tube won't let me imbed this one, but check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hK3Y1Ehv9c


One more thing...Michael inspired me so much. He made me believe I could have dreams too, and I could do anything. Thank you Michael.
R. Marie

I must crawl before I can walk...

Wow...weeks 3 and 4 were weeks of re-ve-la-tion. School is breaking me dOWn! My viewpoints teacher has been using this analogy since day one to describe the experience: we are headed towards a cliff...she is at the bottom of the cliff and we need to come towards her... During week 4 we entered free fall... during free fall, we realize so many things about ourselves. We did a viewpoints activity that allowed us to truly (sprititually, in my case) connect with our characters by repeating movements and facts about that character. It amazing how it can create a true character.

FACT: REAL acting...REAL characters....come from ACTOR! They start with the actor. Contrary to popular belief...when you see that person play that character that seems so "far" from them...it is, but it isn't. Because at one point they started creating that character with the base of themsleves and it was them...in that character that made it beautiful. FOR INSTANCE...

Jennifer Holiday playing Effie White vs Jennifer Hudson: we can argue that one is a better singer/actor than the other but each Effie is a different interpretation depending on who they are, their lives/experiences and how they see the character.

That is amazing. So...that means that these actors are doing lots and lots of work to bring the character to them... A character is a blend of the information the script provides and what the actor brings to it.

Lots and lots of work. Thus, I come to one of my biggest revelations in the last four weeks. I am only beginning. Ok. So I knew this, but now I really know. The work of an actor is DIF-I-CULT! It is hard. It is not to be played with. It is a craft! It is not a joke! You know how people say..."i want to sort of get into acting." They have no idea what they are getting into. It works all parts of your brain and body, your mind, soul, and spirit. And you can't bs! Or you will SUCK! And you won't work! Period! It saddens me that some people think it's just something fun and that's it. It is fun...but it must be handled with care. I can't stress it enough.

The last two weeks I have been in an all out war ( and losing) with my self-confidence/self esteem. With family drama looming earlier in the third week I already had a heavy heart at school. Now that the "hard" work has truly begun...I have been fighting those insecurity soldiers. At this point, we have started working more with text...Oh text. I am revisted with the fact that I am one out of the 4-5 of us that don't have or are not working on theatre degrees currently. When this program started, one of the most comforting aspects of it were that we all seemed to start at the same level...regardless of the experience. Now that we are doing the "heady" or more "intellectual" portion of the work (analyzing text, rationalizing actions etc) I feel so small. And stupid. I know those are ugly words but I'm being honest and that's how I have been feeling. We added three new classes...so now we have 7 right now. Yep 7 classes (text analysis (ugh), shakespeare monologue, contemporary monologue). Our other four have gotten more intense. Sometimes I'm in class feeling like the black girl from the Southside of Chicago who got decent grades but realized that those grades meant nothing when compared to her suburban peers who have been taking college-like classes since 8th grade and were being prepared since then. Yep, I went there. That's how I've been feeling. In short, I have been fighting to say secure, and understand that my journey is different than theirs and I belong there. I am enough.

But it's a fight...and it doesn't help that everyday at school is an emotional workout. Every class. I have not cried or been at the brink of tears so much in my life. AaAh! So I keep fighting. I get homework daily (some of which I should be doing now).

As Fred Douglass said: "With no struggle there is no progress." I have realized that this work is harder than I thought. Am I going to stop, no. What will I do instead: work harder...of course. Before I run I must walk, before I walk I must learn to crawl. I'm crawling y'all.
R. Marie

I'm still here

Hey!

So I haven't written in almost two weeks but I honestly haven't had the time. Just wanted to say that school has been intensely difficult and I don't have time to really describe it. I am in the middle of the program and it is at it's highest level of intensity. I have to get ready to go to class right now but for some reason I felt like putting a blurb on here about it so here you go. I shall write in more detail soon. Keep me in your prayers.
R. Marie

And so it is...

Okay.

The last two days at school have been rough. UGH! All of us are going through emotional rollercoasters in our minds. Please understand that our training is very difficult to verbalize and is somewhat unexplainable. It's as if someone is shaking up my brain...all sorts of memories, experiences, feelings, responses are all being tossed like a salad. This really is like therapy...in an extreme way. Except therapists want to 'fix' you. I don't know if I am going to be emotionally better or worse after this program. But for the emotional cost (let alone the 3 G's), I'd better be a ignant good (shoot). I thought this summer would be intense as far as scheduling and classload workload, but the emotional brainload is a mu- (as my grandaddy would say, by the way, it's is 84th birthday tomorrow...Grandaddy what is you DOIN having a birthday!).

I digress. So I had basically an emotional explosion yesterday and today (UGLY) during exercises in Viewpoints class that tend to bring all that out. But I am NOT done, and I don't feel permanent relief from them. This is not uncommon, many of us have had these outburts. It is wonderful how all of my classmates (we have become thick as theives and this is week 2) support on another as we go through this. Our instructors are all geniuses, but for lack of better words, they are totally f-ing our heads up. For real. I have never seen more adults cry and fall out within a matter of days in my life. But, they are messing our heads up in a good way, I guess. The whimsy and liberation of last week has worn off, and this second week is more ugly, tough, and painful. As my Viewpoints teacher says, "whatever happens, you must move forward, and push through." So that's what I am doing. I guess.

Today I discovered in Meisner class during an exercise (which is one of the most essential and nourishing acting techniques there is), K. Todd Freeman (google him if you don't know, he is an insanely talented and revered actor and member of the Steppenwolf Ensemble !) told me that I use laughter and smiles that may not be genuine to cover up "the ugly." I disagreed and told him that I felt like they were genunine but then he said "at times it was genuine and other times, it seemed to be covering up other stuff. (HA! You have no idea K. Todd... )I've gotten so good at doing this that I don't even realize when I'm doing it. So we had a chat after class and he said...I want the real Rhonda, I am trying to figure out who that is. (Me too K. Todd, me too, shoot.) Being told that from a few directors, including the infamous Runako Jahi (sigh), I am challenging myself to show the meat of me and to not use my Rhonda defense mechanisms to deal with them...but WHOA if there isn't alot of meat. But, to once again quote the viewpoints teacher Alex, "If you bring your life into your art, you will have art in your life."

Word.

Here is a quote shared with me by one of my wolfschoolmates by Rilke:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ...

Don't search for the answers,which could not be given to you now,because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

R. Marie

Insomnia

Hey,

I haven't written in a few days. I realized after the last blog that daily writings may be difficult to commit to at times.

It is 4:35 a.m. and I need to get up in two hours. I woke up about an hour and a half ago. Since I am not the person that can easily go back to sleep, I decided to read one of the plays for class ("All my Sons" by Arthur Miller). Finished it.

In a week and a half, School at Steppenwolf has been such a liberating and life changing experience. But it has been tough. This first trimester all of our classes are teaching us the foundations of each particular technique. In doing this, it forces us to be honest with each other and ourselves which can be a very scary place. We have all had our crying moments, and our heads are all ready all messed up. But in a good way. Little do we realize all the things we do to cover up what is really there. At Meisner class, I got some good stuff out on Friday, and maybe a little today. Improv has been challenging up until Monday, when Sheldon Patinkin explained concepts a bit better. Yesterday in Viewpoints, we did an activity called sourcework...we had to answer all of these questions about ourselves...from surface stuff like "my top five actors are..." to "more than anything else in this world..." There were about 15 questions...after we were done we had to read them out loud...whoa. It was very hard for people to expose themselves to 28 individuals, so as you may have expected, at least half the group had a weepy moment when they had their turn. (I did not). The last couple days, my energy has been weird and I don't know why.

But I have a clue: I think it may be because I have "quietly as kept" had a major life change in the last week and a half and I've been swept into a whole new world. As one of my classmates told me, my whole paradigm (or way of thinking) has shifted. Now I am in an entirely new mental place and I haven't stopped to "smell the roses." So...in short I think I am all overwhelmed in the brain but I am gonna figure some things out this week. Yeah. That's it.

R. Marie

Is anybody out there?

Hey! This is just a thank you for everyone who follows this blog! Blogging has been helpful and therapeutic for me so I appreciate those of you who have been following me and commenting. I know that there are some people reading my blog that are not sure how to follow through blogspot and have not commented. So...that I know you are reading...COMMENT and FOLLOW! To follow, click on that icon that says FOLLOW! And just give me a "hey" or "WORD" or something on my blog entry so I know you're there. Thanks for reading...and I'll be sure to keep sharing:)
R. Marie

Day 4: Respecting the Process

Alex...my fabulous Viewpoints teacher tells us that it is not about the outcome, but the process. It is not about the end result, but the journey. Acting is a process, and even on closing night of a play the "process" should still be going on.

So...for some reason I was low key today. I think it had to do with three things 1) regular end of the week exhaustion, 2) the weather, and 3) my hair. My hair??? Er?

I have had relaxer-free hair for four years now and typically during the September-May months I get my hair straightened two-three times a month. During the summers, I wear it natural. It was a big thing for me for grow out my hair. But then I go back to straightening it whenever I start a new job/meet new people/ 80% of the year. There is security I feel with my hair being straight. It looks nice, but it is also the way I have generally worn my hair for the last forever years. There is safety in my hair being straight, so although I don't have a relaxer I religiously pay my Egyptian brothers $40-50 every two weeks. Why did I grow the mess out in the first place...oh yeah, to wear it natural over the summer. Last summer I wore my hair natural for two weeks. Why...because I felt too safe with my hair. It's safer to wear it straight...people expect it so I wear it.

What does this have do with anything? I'll tell you.
WolfSchool (as we are beginning to call it) has been teaching me for the last few days that I need to accept me as "enough" and not be safe all of the time be open and blah blah blah. So, although my hair looks nice straightened...I always think it is so plain and it doesn't fully express who I am.
So I washed the head last night and wore it natural today. Every time I break my hair out each summer it feels like I have grown it out for the first time. I walked in that room nervous at first but then I just walked in like "hey" this is me! My girl Kristina (I have friends already!) said she noticed my confidence right off. I know some people may like my straight hair better, but I felt the most me today.

At Improv class today (which is not my favorite so far), I felt weird. I love to go see improv, but because I feel that it is not my strongest skill, I feel small when I am there. We had a scene where I felt like I dominated the whole thing. Improv is big on "give" and "take." When someone gives you something you take it, you also have to wait until you receive something and vice versa (vice-a versa as they say in the hood). I was taking way too much, because when I can think off the top of my head what to say, I keep talking and talking and talking. Sheldon, our improv teacher who is an Improv legend but reminds me of an old Chemistry teacher in college, let me know that I have a very strong presence on stage, and I am always interesting to watch. I just need to be and not add anything else extra. "Bring a brick to the stage, not a cathederal" as Mike the improv assistant told me. Either way, I appreciated their comments but I felt depleted.

After Feldenkrais (body training) we had Viewpoints class which was a big party/soul train line to release all of our tension. That made me feel good. At our weekly wrap up session with our coordinator, I vented that I hated improv today and what I realized as I was speaking is that...DUH...this is DAY 4! There will be 50 days to get better, and this is A PROCESS! Just as me accepting that I am not my hair, my flaws, and who I am...life is a process! Thus, it's important to respect that! I didn't pay 3 G's for people to tell me that I am doing everything great! It is what it is...it will be what it will be...I just need to be along for the ride, and up for the challenge.
R. Marie