M. J.

Alright. I am finally able to discuss this. With all the drama at school and in my personal life, hearing "the news" was something I was unable to process. Now I am finally starting to deal with it. Oh, Michael. I was leaving class when I found out. One of my classmates got a text about it and I said. NO...NO...I don't believe it. I won't believe it until I look it up myself. So, I looked it up on my phone and alas, it was true. I spent the time up until the memorial in total shock. I still am, in a way. If I was able to give "remarks" at his funeral, my speech would include this:
I am extremely saddened and ruptured by this. It's as if he was a family member of mine. No, seriously. I wasn't sure that this was how I was going to feel. Just as other 80's kids, Michael was my "childhood." His music defined my generation. I also was very connected to "early Michael," you know, the Michael that existed before I was born. I used to watch "The Jacksons, an American Dream" over and over, and over again. I borrowed, purchased, old CD's, knew about songs that some people my age may have been "sleep" on. Like this one:


I remember watching the Thriller Video over and over again, each time viewing it in awe as if it were the first time I ever saw it. Oh...when the videos from "Dangerous" premiered on FOX...trying to replicate the dance from "Remember the Time." Loving his comeback in "Rock my World."

When all the drama was going on with him, I saw only a beautiful soul, that had been hurt horribly. The pain we experience internally reflects on the external. And now, everything makes sense. That's why he changed himself so. No...I'm not condoning it by any means, but I get it.

Did you know that he's in the Guiness Book of World Records? He set so many World Records...including giving the most money to charity. He gave so much. If a hospital needed beds, he would build a hospital with beds. If a school needed books he would build a school. He had a HUGE heart...something that people these days may not have.

Then we find out more information this week...he had Lupus, a disease I am very familiar with given my mother and cousin both have it. All those times he was in a wheel chair and people thought he was doing it for publicity, he was actually in deep, hard, pain! The attacks that come from Lupus result in unimaginable, unbearable pain. Then...Lupus is often accompanied by skin diseases...like vitalaigo... which resulted in his hand discoloring...which resulted in it starting in his hand...which resulted in him wearing the glove. Again, not condoning or arguing Mike's psychosocial issues, but when his skin became spotted, he felt he needed to do something to it. It all comes together.
Apart from what he did to himself, it pains me what the media did to him. Like Rev. Al Sharpton said at the memorial to M.J.'s children: "Wasn't nothing strange about yo' daddy. It was strange what yo' daddy had to go through." Rev. Al got major respect from me that day.

On another note, I have had some great bonding moments with my parents. As we watched the memorial on DVR (cuz you know I was in school at the time it aired), I was filled with so much emotion. I told them "ya'll don't understand. Michael was my childhood. They both looked at me with big eyes and said: "uh...MICHAEL IS OUR CHILDHOOD TOO!" Oh yeah, I thought(Oh Rhonda :, DUH.) Then for the last few nights (instead of getting my work done), we've been you tubing old Michael videos and live performances. Of all the songs...these are two (of many) that are near and dear to my heart. Rest in Peace Michael.

Don't miss his pop-locking at the end!


And...You Tube won't let me imbed this one, but check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hK3Y1Ehv9c


One more thing...Michael inspired me so much. He made me believe I could have dreams too, and I could do anything. Thank you Michael.
R. Marie

I must crawl before I can walk...

Wow...weeks 3 and 4 were weeks of re-ve-la-tion. School is breaking me dOWn! My viewpoints teacher has been using this analogy since day one to describe the experience: we are headed towards a cliff...she is at the bottom of the cliff and we need to come towards her... During week 4 we entered free fall... during free fall, we realize so many things about ourselves. We did a viewpoints activity that allowed us to truly (sprititually, in my case) connect with our characters by repeating movements and facts about that character. It amazing how it can create a true character.

FACT: REAL acting...REAL characters....come from ACTOR! They start with the actor. Contrary to popular belief...when you see that person play that character that seems so "far" from them...it is, but it isn't. Because at one point they started creating that character with the base of themsleves and it was them...in that character that made it beautiful. FOR INSTANCE...

Jennifer Holiday playing Effie White vs Jennifer Hudson: we can argue that one is a better singer/actor than the other but each Effie is a different interpretation depending on who they are, their lives/experiences and how they see the character.

That is amazing. So...that means that these actors are doing lots and lots of work to bring the character to them... A character is a blend of the information the script provides and what the actor brings to it.

Lots and lots of work. Thus, I come to one of my biggest revelations in the last four weeks. I am only beginning. Ok. So I knew this, but now I really know. The work of an actor is DIF-I-CULT! It is hard. It is not to be played with. It is a craft! It is not a joke! You know how people say..."i want to sort of get into acting." They have no idea what they are getting into. It works all parts of your brain and body, your mind, soul, and spirit. And you can't bs! Or you will SUCK! And you won't work! Period! It saddens me that some people think it's just something fun and that's it. It is fun...but it must be handled with care. I can't stress it enough.

The last two weeks I have been in an all out war ( and losing) with my self-confidence/self esteem. With family drama looming earlier in the third week I already had a heavy heart at school. Now that the "hard" work has truly begun...I have been fighting those insecurity soldiers. At this point, we have started working more with text...Oh text. I am revisted with the fact that I am one out of the 4-5 of us that don't have or are not working on theatre degrees currently. When this program started, one of the most comforting aspects of it were that we all seemed to start at the same level...regardless of the experience. Now that we are doing the "heady" or more "intellectual" portion of the work (analyzing text, rationalizing actions etc) I feel so small. And stupid. I know those are ugly words but I'm being honest and that's how I have been feeling. We added three new classes...so now we have 7 right now. Yep 7 classes (text analysis (ugh), shakespeare monologue, contemporary monologue). Our other four have gotten more intense. Sometimes I'm in class feeling like the black girl from the Southside of Chicago who got decent grades but realized that those grades meant nothing when compared to her suburban peers who have been taking college-like classes since 8th grade and were being prepared since then. Yep, I went there. That's how I've been feeling. In short, I have been fighting to say secure, and understand that my journey is different than theirs and I belong there. I am enough.

But it's a fight...and it doesn't help that everyday at school is an emotional workout. Every class. I have not cried or been at the brink of tears so much in my life. AaAh! So I keep fighting. I get homework daily (some of which I should be doing now).

As Fred Douglass said: "With no struggle there is no progress." I have realized that this work is harder than I thought. Am I going to stop, no. What will I do instead: work harder...of course. Before I run I must walk, before I walk I must learn to crawl. I'm crawling y'all.
R. Marie

I'm still here

Hey!

So I haven't written in almost two weeks but I honestly haven't had the time. Just wanted to say that school has been intensely difficult and I don't have time to really describe it. I am in the middle of the program and it is at it's highest level of intensity. I have to get ready to go to class right now but for some reason I felt like putting a blurb on here about it so here you go. I shall write in more detail soon. Keep me in your prayers.
R. Marie