Well,
I am not so sunshine and giggles today. I am not cloudy skies either. I am something though...
This past weekend I got sick with some sort of cold/flu and I'm fighting through it. Being still has allowed me some thinking time.
Since School at Steppenwolf some fabulous things have happened. Two of my bff's got married, got an understudy gig for an equity theatre, I got an agent, and I booked a commercial. Yay. These are great blessings. But, I can't hide the fact that I have felt completely discombobulated on the inside. This is my very first time not working full time since college, not having one thing after the next, and not being a busy from dusk til dawn like I used to be. Some would argue I should be screaming "YAY" and jumping up and down, free from the shackles of a full time job to pursue all of my dreams. Yes...and no. I truly believe that anyone is capable for anything....but...often times things are way easier said than done. Outside of my daytime touring show I don't have any plays booked until January and I start a TV and Film class next Wednesday. This should be just enough for me to handle, I know, but like a crackhead I crave being super busy all the time. I've spent so much time living on turbo speed that I have silenced so many personal issues that I have needed to work on (self esteem, organization, self discipline, family feuds, etc) and now they are all screaming at me. I feel like I am in some sort of crisis..quarter life, or whatever. Or maybe this is just the weird part of the transition. I have gotten caught up worrying about paying bills, financial stability/security, and "the future" (which are important) instead of keeping my "eye on the prize" and my goals in mind. When thinking about myself as an actor/playwright I have lost sight of one of the major pearls of wisdom I gained from school this past summer: "it's not about the outcome it's about the process." I have to find that again. Be it, learning the lines I need to learn for Wednesday's TV and Film class (yep, the teacher sent us sides already) or learning my new part in my daytime show, or studying the script for the show I'm understudying that starts rehearsals in January...I need to just enjoy the process of those things and not lament that I am not a lead in an equity show yet or that I'm not in the next 1960s-set black biopic (one of my goals). I have surrender to the process and enjoy it.
This also may mean enjoying this period where I am: not knowing exactly for sure what happens next or what my schedule may be the next day, or where exactly all my money is coming from. I should still keep my goal in mind, but I still need to work on perfecting what I have in front of me. I also need to continue working on "me" as a person as I am on my journey. Brilliant work can come from any source, but I am able to enjoy the fruits of my labor way better if I have myself together.
R. Marie
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