Okay.
The last two days at school have been rough. UGH! All of us are going through emotional rollercoasters in our minds. Please understand that our training is very difficult to verbalize and is somewhat unexplainable. It's as if someone is shaking up my brain...all sorts of memories, experiences, feelings, responses are all being tossed like a salad. This really is like therapy...in an extreme way. Except therapists want to 'fix' you. I don't know if I am going to be emotionally better or worse after this program. But for the emotional cost (let alone the 3 G's), I'd better be a ignant good (shoot). I thought this summer would be intense as far as scheduling and classload workload, but the emotional brainload is a mu- (as my grandaddy would say, by the way, it's is 84th birthday tomorrow...Grandaddy what is you DOIN having a birthday!).
I digress. So I had basically an emotional explosion yesterday and today (UGLY) during exercises in Viewpoints class that tend to bring all that out. But I am NOT done, and I don't feel permanent relief from them. This is not uncommon, many of us have had these outburts. It is wonderful how all of my classmates (we have become thick as theives and this is week 2) support on another as we go through this. Our instructors are all geniuses, but for lack of better words, they are totally f-ing our heads up. For real. I have never seen more adults cry and fall out within a matter of days in my life. But, they are messing our heads up in a good way, I guess. The whimsy and liberation of last week has worn off, and this second week is more ugly, tough, and painful. As my Viewpoints teacher says, "whatever happens, you must move forward, and push through." So that's what I am doing. I guess.
Today I discovered in Meisner class during an exercise (which is one of the most essential and nourishing acting techniques there is), K. Todd Freeman (google him if you don't know, he is an insanely talented and revered actor and member of the Steppenwolf Ensemble !) told me that I use laughter and smiles that may not be genuine to cover up "the ugly." I disagreed and told him that I felt like they were genunine but then he said "at times it was genuine and other times, it seemed to be covering up other stuff. (HA! You have no idea K. Todd... )I've gotten so good at doing this that I don't even realize when I'm doing it. So we had a chat after class and he said...I want the real Rhonda, I am trying to figure out who that is. (Me too K. Todd, me too, shoot.) Being told that from a few directors, including the infamous Runako Jahi (sigh), I am challenging myself to show the meat of me and to not use my Rhonda defense mechanisms to deal with them...but WHOA if there isn't alot of meat. But, to once again quote the viewpoints teacher Alex, "If you bring your life into your art, you will have art in your life."
Word.
Here is a quote shared with me by one of my wolfschoolmates by Rilke:
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,which could not be given to you now,because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
R. Marie
(Great timing, digestive tract!) To not have that "look" on my face (y'all know the one) during the audition, I do what I must do. I stop at the restaurant across the street and handle it. AAAH! So I'm better now, and I walk up the stairs to the audition area and I see the typical audition setup. For you non-thespians, this is how these things go. There is an actual audition room, and outside of the room there is a "monitor". The "monitor" is usually an intern or stage manager that takes your name and checks you in. Around the room are several actors...whose behavior can be fun to watch if you have time to check them out. There are some actors sitting on the floor, practicing breathing exercises, others pacing around, stretching, a few sitting stoic and staring into space, some doing vocal warmups, and a couple who try to avoid all eye contact with anyone, and many mouthing the words of their monologues. I have been all of these people at one point. Today, I just wanted to kind of "do my thing" and go. I quickly glanced to see any familiar faces and also, as a person of color, most of us always do the "am I the only black person/person of color" check? (at this specific time I was, which was no biggie, just made a mental note.) I went to the bathroom, practiced my signature monologue quickly once, and stood next to the audition room door ready to go. I was next, or "on deck" as they say. The monitor called my name to go in and there were about 7 -8 people in the room. Typically, when actors do a general audition they are required to perform 1-2 monologues and or a song if it is a musical audition. Before you begin your monologue, traditional training says that you SLATE, or say your name, the name of the character you are performing, and the name of the play. Although this was not a super nervous audition day, some nervousness always jumps up in me when they call my name. ALWAYS. So I often goof up my slate. To not look nervous, (although it happens anyway), I always give a big 'ol R. Marie smile, twinkle/buck my eyes and try to be cheery and personable. Then I forget to tell them my damn name or my piece. I make stupid conversation like "hey, wow so many people here," or do a Tanisha move "Haaay, how ya'll doin, " 
or shake everyone's hand taking up all their time (most auditions are less than 2 minutes and are timed.) And then I do one of the biggest audition goofs, which is walk right up to them and stand in their faces and they always tell me "back up, so we can see you hun" (fyi, in my School at Steppenwolf Audition, when I was doing a scene with the reader, I moved my chair towards him. Erica Daniels, Casting Director at Steppenwolf was like "No stay. He will move to sit close to you, it's about YOU GIRL!"...she is the best!) I like to think of my self as loveably awkward, and sometimes it tends to work to my advantage (exaggerated wink). 
This time, I walked in saying my name..."hi, I'm Rhonda" and said "I'll be performing 'Shelly' from 'Heat'" I moved my chair forward (just a little bit), then I did my thing. They smiled and said "Thank you, Rhonda". As I was walking out, one of the directors said, "hey Rhonda, how tall are you?" "Five-five...and a half" (wink/smile) I said. They chuckled softly, I smiled and I left out...right out the door of the theatre ( I saw a sister walk in when I was leaving and gave the her the "smile" which is the female version of "the nod.") I don't like to linger around and ponder "what did i do wrong, what did I mess up?" I thought, hey...love it or hate it...I did my best. This is what I do...now I can only hope "they" will give me a chance;) On to the next!